Recently, I’ve been sharing about one-on-one discipleship as an effective form of discipleship. In a Facebook survey I conducted, I noticed that there was a gender gap between men and women, specifically that young adult women are significantly less likely to be discipled in one-on-one relationships than young men.
I wanted to hear different women talk about their experiences with one-on-one discipling relationships. A couple weeks ago, Mindy Clemons graciously shared some of her insights on being discipled and discipling other women.
I also asked my wife, Haley Bethea, if she’d be willing to share about her experiences in one-on-one discipling relationships. Haley has a Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education and a Master of Arts in Ministry, so she knows a thing or two about teaching and leading others, particularly in a Christian context. She has worked at multiple Wesley Foundation college ministries where she developed discipling relationships (that continue as deep friendships) with students who feel heard, seen, and understood by her as she embodies the love and courage of Christ to them.
As her husband, I can attest that Haley has ministered well and faithfully to many people. She is loved by those she spends time with and thinks and talks intelligently, prayerfully, and earnestly about discipleship in today’s American context.
Frankly, I wanted you to hear from Haley because she’s smarter than me. But she has also had experiences as a woman and a discipler of women that I haven’t had, which I think will be insightful to this ongoing conversation about one-on-one discipleship.
I asked Haley some questions that she has graciously responded to. My questions are in italics below and her responses are in regular font. Enjoy!
What has been your experience being discipled in a one-on-one relationship and discipling others in a one-on-one relationship?
My experience being discipled has been intermittent. There have been short periods of time when I feel someone took me under their wing or deliberately took time to invest in me, my spiritual life, or my vocation. It often came through being paired up as a result of a church event or trip (a short-term mission trip or internship, for example). Some of the relationships happened more organically because I reached out to a female I looked up to and asked them to coffee or to join them as they did work that I wanted to be a part of. In general, my experience has been that both I, and the person I reached out, were very busy people. That led to the discipleship being short-lived, or it meant a one-time meetup that didn’t turn into a discipling relationship, even if the initial meeting was still enriching.
My experience discipling others has been many attempts—and therefore many that have fallen short—to walk for some length of time alongside someone and offer guidance on some element of their life, whether that was through experience in a Christian romantic relationship, maintaining friendships, or working on a spiritual discipline together. While some of those relationships lasted in an official capacity over a couple years, many lasted a year or even shorter. Many of these took place on a college campus, so schedules and turnover often got in the way of something lasting longer than that.
You mentioned that you were one of the many 18-29 year old females who marked that you had not been discipled in a one-on-one relationship. What factors do you think have contributed to you not being discipled in this way?
In my opinion, one factor that has gotten in the way is an image that I don’t intentionally portray: that I “have it all together.” By that, I mean that I was someone who grew up in church, without any big rebellion stage. Then in college, I made generally good choices. I followed a timeline that a lot of people, especially those older than me, see as a typical pattern, by graduating college, getting married, and working on a master’s degree. I don’t just say this without proof either. Each thing listed here has been an explicit reason that someone has said to me “you just seem to have it all together.” It’s not an image I have intentionally portrayed to others, but more so something I have done on accident. Certain choices I’ve made have led to it, but not because I was seeking that specific image. All of that to say, that particular image has felt like a barrier at times. It has made it hard to find deep friendships with my peers, and has meant that those in life stages ahead of mine don’t see me as someone who has a need for discipleship or guidance.
Another element that I see as a factor for this is that I have never had a clear picture of what it is I want to do vocationally. I have a vague call to ministry and it has taken a few different forms, which has made it hard to find someone who might be in the same boat (because what boat are we even in?). Add in the fact that the field is predominantly men, who are often uncomfortable discipling or mentoring women, and it becomes even more tricky to find someone who would be willing to walk alongside me for any length of time. I’ve found that often women in ministry are often overloaded with people seeking their discipling time because there just aren’t enough of them. I continue to be excited that the tide is changing on that front, but it has been a huge barrier for me, personally.
I will also turn the camera inward and say that I am also not quick to ask for help. Nor am I a tremendously outgoing person. That can come off as standoffish, or just as someone who wants to be left alone. I could do a much better job of asking for guidance from those I look up to or from who I would want to be discipled. I could be more active in my relationship building and more persistent in following up with those I have sought out in the past. There is certainly an element of my own persistence and willingness that is at play here, and I recognize that!
It seems that women are less likely to be discipled than men in this way. What do you think has contributed to this gap?
Based purely on my personal experience, church leadership is so overwhelmingly male. I had a female youth director for one year of my youth group experience, but the other 6 years were led by men. Then I was involved at 3 different college ministries that were all led by men. Of course, there were women who were involved in all of those places. I myself was a female leader in the case of the college ministries. However, I have found that men are not likely to seek out a meaningful discipling relationship with a female. There may be a good heart behind this, but what it leads to is a vastly different experience for men and women who have leadership in a church. Since high school, I have held many leadership positions within a ministry setting at each and every one my development and discipleship was not the same as the males in a similar position. The positions (that were often designed to lead me and others toward a higher level of leadership and a deeper spiritual life) very rarely included the ‘heart-work’ that is an element of a true discipling relationship. My point is not at all one of blaming or bitterness, but merely as one who hopes to point out the inequity that still exists between men and women specifically within church leadership. For a female to be a part of church leadership is likely to be an experience lacking in deep discipleship, if my experience is anything to go off of.
I will also say that women are busy people! They are often the ones taking care of children and the home. They may not be in places and spaces that allow for an hour every other week to be spent one-on-one with someone else. A discipling or mentoring relationship is going to have to be sought out with a lot of intentionality because it is unlikely to just happen organically through a work space. Especially in a ministry setting, it is not at all uncommon for there to be two or more male leaders, but in my own observations, quite unlikely for there to be two female leaders.
I’m wondering if some men reading this might think, “This is a women’s problem and if it’s going to be fixed, women need to be the ones to fix it.” Do you agree with that?
I think it is something for both men and women to take a look at from different perspectives. As women, we can do a better job of looping in someone younger to the things we are already doing, or prioritizing discipleship of others in our busy schedules. Men often have leadership roles that give them the unique opportunity to bring others behind them. It is worth considering the gender breakdown of who you are bringing along in discipling settings.
Many people reading this would probably describe themselves as “ordinary Christians,” people who just want to live out Jesus’s calling to “make disciples.” What small steps do you think someone reading this right now can take to change this lack of one-on-one discipleship for women?
The first thing I often hear people say about discipling someone else, is the idea that they do not have everything figured. They say something to the effect of, “I don’t have anything to offer.” So, the first small step I would encourage is seeing yourself as someone with something to offer others. If you have worked a job, been a parent, made it through college, or just lived a longer amount of time than someone else, and also maintained your faith life, you certainly have something to offer someone younger than yourself. You do not have to have been a Biblical scholar or a great evangelist in order to have something of value to share.
After overcoming that belief, I would say the tangible next step would be to talk to the pastor or youth pastor at your church. There may be someone that is on their radar that they just don’t have the bandwidth to disciple that you could begin to disciple. Also, think about people who are already in similar places as yourself. Is there someone who just entered the work force, just moved, just had a child, or another big life change? That is a demographic who is often open to guidance from someone else. Discipleship can take place in all kinds of settings as well. It doesn’t have to be a quiet dedicated hour of talking or studying. It can happen as you move through parts of your life that you already do. Taking a moment to think creatively about where you can bring along another person would widen the number of people who could be discipled greatly.
Anything else you would say about this topic of one-on-one discipleship?
I can obviously only speak from my own experience, but I think this is an area where the church as a whole is not where it could or should be. We know from scripture just how important discipleship—specifically discipleship in small intimate groups, or one-on-one—was to Jesus. He modeled it for us and, as the American church, we haven’t often followed his lead well. We are far too busy and moving at a speed that is incompatible with formative discipleship of others. My hope would be that we all would be praying for the Spirit’s eyes to see those around us who we could bring alongside and walk with through a season of their life. There are countless people out there yearning for someone to see them and invest in their spiritual life.
Wasn’t that great?! Thanks to my lovely wife, Haley, for sharing her thoughts. What stood out to you? Feel free to comment below or go like my Facebook page and let’s continue the conversation there!
Hunter Bethea 
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