“The game ain’t over til the fat lady sings” has always been one of my favorite sayings. Growing up as a sports fan, I always found it humorous to think of a fat lady coming onto the field or court at the end of a game and belt out a high note to let the fans know it was time to go.

The origin of this phrase is a reference to the opera, where many shows end with a well-built soprano hitting a final note. In the sports world—where the phrase is most commonly used—it means that the game isn’t over until the final whistle. Therefore, don’t give up until the game is over.

The sports world is replete with examples of athletes who gave up too soon. This past Sunday’s Chicago Bears vs. Washington Commanders NFL game was one such example.

With the lack of belting sopranos, European languages, and viking helmets, the game couldn’t really be called an opera (though the Minnesota football team has one of the three going for them). Rather, it might be best categorized as a drama.

Down 12-7 with less than 30 seconds left in the game, the visiting Chicago Bears scored a touchdown and converted the two-point conversion to give them a 15-12 lead. Two 10-plus passes later, the Commanders were staring at the end zone from 52 yards away with 2 seconds left on the clock. They dialed up a Hail Mary, a play where all the receivers run to the end zone and the quarterback heaves the ball high enough in the air to say a Hail Mary and pray that it’s caught by a teammate. It’s not an impossible play: according to ESPN, Hail Mary’s work just under 10% of the time. For those defenders covering the receivers, there’s a strategy for a near-100% success rate: when you touch the ball, swat it to the ground.

However, when rookie quarterback Jayden Daniels took the snap and the mass of Commanders began stampeding towards the end zone, one Bear seemed to think the fat lady had already sung. When the ball was snapped, second-year cornerback Tyrique Stevenson was taunting the Washington Commanders’ fans. A second or two later, he tried to scramble to the oncoming Commanders and cover Commander receiver Noah Brown but was too late to pick him up. Stevenson tipped the pass (the ultimate defensive no-no for a Hail Mary), which landed in a waiting Brown’s hands standing in the end zone. The fat lady sung and the Commanders won 15-12.

I want you to think about what you would do if you were Stevenson’s coach.

I’m guessing your answer would be something like: Fine him. Bench him. Cut him. Chew him out and spit him out.

But may I suggest an alternative response? I’ve never coached football a day in my life, but I’ve worked with people and led teams and I’ve found one response that works better than any other.

The alternative response is this: Start with curiosity and ask a question.

If I was Tyrique Stevenson’s coach, the response I would want to have is to sit him down and ask him what happened.

You probably have an assumption of what happened. But chances are, you don’t know the full story of what happened on that football field last Sunday. In fact, even the coaches and other players don’t know the full story of what happened on that football field on Sunday.

Maybe Tyrique was being arrogant and trying to rub in a loss to the Commander faithful. Maybe he heard a whistle in the stands and thought the Bears had called a timeout; after all, he was 50+ yards away from the line of scrimmage, making it difficult to see or hear what was happening. Maybe he thought the game was already over; after all, just a couple plays earlier, there had been an issue with the clock. Maybe he hates football and was just playing to make a family member proud, so he’s self-sabotaging in order to not have to play anymore. Maybe…

The list could go on and on.

Do you see how the story could be so much more complex than whatever you initially thought?

Stevenson’s coaches could punish Tyrique and he’d try not to do it again. But if they don’t get down to the root of the issue, then a similar situation is likely to happen again.

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As I was thinking about this incident, I thought about parenting. After all, something I’ve learned from listening to Jeremy Pryor, author of the book Family Revision, is that parents are supposed to be like coaches. If we were aliens who landed on earth, read the story of Abram (meaning “exalted father” in Hebrew), and then tried to figure out what role being a biblical parent was most similar to in 21st century America, I believe we would find it to be most like that of a coach.

If we are supposed to coach our children and “train up a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6), then we should be thinking like coaches. Maybe your child has never taunted a crowd of jeering fans on national television, but I’m guessing they’ve made choices you weren’t too happy about. Maybe they hit their brother. Or maybe they failed a spelling test. Maybe they got caught drinking at a party. Whatever the situation, what kind of response do you want to have?

Let’s take that spelling test as an example. Your kid’s teacher emails you, saying that little Johnny scored a 40 on his spelling test. That’s not like him. He’s no Scripps National Spelling Bee champion, but he’s also no dummy. What’s your response?

You could ground him for a week. Yell at him on the way home from school. Tell him he’ll never go to college with those scores. The options are as numerous as the red marks on his test.

Or, you could ask him: “Johnny, why did you get a 40 on your spelling test?” He might give you an answer like, “Because I misspelled a lot of words.” But keep digging: “Why did you misspell a lot of words?” Pretty soon, you’ll start learning more about the situation.

Maybe he forgot to study.
Maybe he cheated off someone less spelling-inclined than him.
Maybe his teacher gave him the wrong spelling list that week.
Maybe he got sick halfway through the test and rushed through it.
Maybe he didn’t get enough sleep the night before.
Maybe he has dyslexia.
Maybe he forgot to double check his work.
Maybe he misread the instructions.

The list for reasons why Johnny got a 40 on his spelling test are multitudinous (hopefully that wasn’t one of his spelling words).

Once you’ve found out the reason, it might be helpful to ask a follow up question.

If Johnny misspelled lots of words because he didn’t get enough sleep the night before, why was that? Was it because he had band practice? A family emergency? The AC broke in the house?

By finding out the underlying reasons behind the error, you are able to coach Johnny to not make a 40 on his spelling test again.

This doesn’t mean that Johnny doesn’t have to suffer consequences of his actions. He may lose some privileges until he can get that spelling grade back up. But you’re going beyond simply punishing him and instead, helping him learn from his mistakes to avoid them in the future.

After all, isn’t that the goal of coaching? To make those we coach better?

I don’t know what kind of coaching Tyrique Stevenson is going to get over the next few weeks. He made a costly mistake and he and his team will have to suffer the consequences of that.

But there will be more chances for Stevenson to prove that this mistake won’t define his career or even his season. The thing about fat ladies and games is that there’s always another game around the corner. Our kids, just like football players, can grow from mistakes. The question is whether we’ll be there to help coach them through that growth.

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